Thick Stock Supremacy

I am the proud new owner of 200 business cards.

I’m modest, but I allow myself to brag five times a day.

At 21, I’m ahead of the curve. Actually, I’m lapping some of you suckers.

While you all are studying for important tests and applying for prestigious internships, I’m sitting back and making a house of cards out of my 3.5 x 2 babies.

Sure, your resume may not have typos and you may not have had Dots candies for breakfast, but do you have business cards?

Maybe your comforter isn’t a Snuggie and maybe you aren’t in love with your pediatric dentist, but I want to stress: business cards.

And yes, I may still be unsure about basic things like ovulation and sending faxes, but guess what I have? Yeah, business cards.

You have a LinkedIn? Oh, that’s cute. Let me just clear my business cards off the table so I can look at your profile.

Some of you may already have business cards. That’s fine with me, it’s lonely at the top. (Also, have you guys gotten your Mensa invite yet?)

Like I said earlier, I don’t like to rub in my superiority, so I want to emphasize that I’m just like you! I still have to do basic tasks like paying utility bills and eating.

But soon I’m going to become a public notary. And then hasta luego you plebeians.

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