Part 1: My Facebook Friends

Today was my birthday (did you know?) and I expected Facebook wall posts congratulating me. I got a few instagrams and an awesome Twitter shoutout, but the majority of common birthday congrats come from Facebook.

As of 10:25 p.m., I have gotten 47 birthday posts from my 1,052 friends. That means 4.5% of my Facebook friends wished me a happy birthday. Four measly percent!

Over the years I’ve gotten more and more Facebook friends, but less birthday posts. What the hell, Facebook friends? After much thought, I’ve come up with possible reasons for the sharp decline well-wishers.

1) The quality of me as a human has declined.

2) People use Facebook less.

3) I have way too many Facebook friends.

I can eliminate 1. I’m a better person than I was in high school (although I genuinely think I’m not as pretty as I was.) Then it’s 2 and 3. I’ll give 2 a little bit of credit, people use Facebook less, but people still use it a lot. At least all my friends do.

So we come to 3. I’m wildly popular – smart, funny, kind and modest – but I don’t have 1,052 friends. No one does. Sure, you can know 1,052 people and you can be connected with them on Facebook, but they aren’t your friends and they aren’t even people you care about following. And science says you can’t have that many IRL friends anyway.

I’m Facebook friends with a lot of people I don’t talk to on a regular basis, but I like to keep up with them and their lives.

Without looking at my friend list, here’s how I would break it down:

70 “close friends” – people I see often, text, go to parties with, etc

250 “friends from afar” – these are the people I was just talking about, I’m interested in keeping up with them because I may see them again/we were close in the past

10 hilariously dramatic Facebook users – just laughs

That leaves more than 700 Facebook “friends”. Who are you people?

To be continued…

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